Does this happen at your office?

God, sorry I suck. You've posted three times in a row and I haven't even had a minute to read them until now. We have been so crazy busy the past couple days. I'm afraid it's going to be like this for another week and a half. I am so excited to go to bed and it's 10 o'clock on a Friday night.

It has just been a steady stream of people at the office this week. Like, large groups of men from here and there just show up and a different boss grabs them and gives them a tour. Sometimes we lowly employees get introductions, but usually it's like a roll call as they fly by our desks. Today one small group actually stopped at each of our desks to shake hands and stuff, which is rare. Another group got the tour where they were just whisked through at high speed and all our names were just yelled out with an arm shot in our direction, but most of the names we were called were wrong. My name is not Chuck, Amy. It is Buck. And my last name does not have an S at the end. And my coworker's last name is not that of a superhero. Our company is not that big, we work with these people every day, you'd think they'd know who the hell we are at this point. It's been years.

And even though it's tough to do it, sometimes I forget where I work. I walked past my Big Boss's desk and saw some guy sitting across from it having a meeting. A minute later I walked by again and that same guy was standing without a shirt, showing the Big Boss his abs. A minute later, I turn toward the desk again and the guy is taking his pants off and standing there buck naked. And I was actually, like, shocked. Then I remembered that hi, I work in a porn studio and naked men walk by my desk pretty much every day, often stopping by my desk to ask me for favors. I've often wondered if they purposely do the favor-asking in the nude thinking it will somehow influence me to do whatever they want. I think they forget that I have to sit there all day retouching all their flaws and their bodies are nothing more to me than projects. And the few that actually do impress or intrigue me with their bodies usually have a face or personality that makes me want to run screaming in the other direction.

So I ate cookies. Gluten-y, delicious cookies. And I don't notice any issues. I'm so freaked out about what's going on with my body. My doctor, after three weeks, finally called me back to tell me that all of my stomach and intestinal tests came back negative for anything bad. So what the hell has been going on with my stomach these past two months or so? Has it all been stress? I ran into a friend of mine last night and we were discussing jobs and living in SF and I mentioned my desire to possibly move north as a means of escaping the industry in which I work. And he looked at me, flabbergasted, and said, "But you love your job!" I was like, "Um, I hate it." And he just shook his head and said, "No one stays at a job for as many years as you have and hates it." Is that true? Do I secretly love my job? Say it isn't so.

I think I've been at this job for so long out of fear. Fear of change. Fear of being judged in a different job for working in porn for more than a few months. Fear that a real schedule would kill my bohemian lifestyle fantasy. I've been stuck so long in this secondary roll that I think maybe I'm afraid to really put myself out there and prove that I'm more than what my job title says I am. Or maybe being stuck in this roll for so long has just made me feel like I am nothing more than what I already am. How depressing is that?