Done.

I think I'm done. Nothing happened. No drama. No "emergencies." Then again, it's not even 8am. But I don't want to be here anymore. Porn is no fun. For me, at least. And when I see how stressed and crazy everyone is around here all the time, I have to wonder why any of us are doing it. I have a feeling that some of the people in charge stick with this business because they think they're being cool and alternative and sticking it to the man by making a product that is by, for, and about gay sex. Then there are the others that seem to truly think they are making a difference to the world. I mean, I guess I can understand it...there are people all over who discovered porn when they were younger and it helped them realize that that sort of thing existed, men having sex with other men, and that they weren't alone with the feelings they had. Which sounds totally corny, but it's how it worked for people. But in this day and age, with all the free access to sex and porn everywhere, I don't see how we can do anything differently to really stand out and be remembered. My adolescence was much different. I don't know if I ever talked about this stuff with you waaaaaay back when we were in high school. But I would read news magazine like Time or whatever and it was right during the time of all of the ACT UP protests against George Bush (the first one). I read these articles and saw these beautiful men all together actually trying to make a difference in the world and I had that "I'm not alone" feeling. And I wanted to be just like those men (except without the cut-off jean shorts and combat boots). But now here I am making porn. It's not like I want to go out and start doing social work or be an activist or anything. But I would like to be working on something that at least reaches a larger audience. Or maybe it's my own self-hatred and I really want to say that I'd rather reach a more worthwhile audience. Like, even if I was working on...I don't know...like, Nordstrom advertising flyers or something. At least it would be out there in the general population and not stuck in some little ghetto niche. I've dealt with the people who love the kind of work I do now for years, even at my job before this, and I think they're creepy and insane. Sorry, people, but it's how I feel.

Ugh, this is how I start my Monday? Great.