I went to the mountains and all I got was this lousy rash.

Ho.
Lee.
Fuck.

I am back. And I am alive. I sat and read all of your posts after I got home this evening and they made my eyelids feel heavy, even though I was laughing hysterically, out loud, in my tiny apartment. Our old emails always make me laugh, and don't think you're the only one who saves them.

I thought you should know that I'm listening to the leaked Britney Spears CD while I type this. I'm a masochist, what can I say?

So that trip was never-ending. I was only gone for 5 nights and 5 days, but it felt like I left for a year. Girl, it was freaky. First off, the whole cast and crew stayed at a "resort" except for me and the cameraman, Shawn. We stayed up in an unheated, partially-wired-with-electricity cabin in the middle of the forest. This is the spot where we filmed most of this movie. The "resort" was basically a Motel 6 with some cabins in the back. I stayed there my first night because I didn't drive in with The Boss until after 1 in the morning. The Boss and the two models that also shared that cabin had to move the next day because there was NO HOT WATER in their cabin. Or the one next to them. Ghetto.

I have to tell you about the town we filmed in. Seriously, you would have died. You know how you never go to the South or the Midwest because you're afraid of all the stereotypes of the people there? Like, that they'll tie you to the back of a pick-up and drag your ethnic ass until you're dead? Okay, well the people in the backwoods of California are SO much scarier. I shit you not. Shawn is from the Midwest, near where I went to college, and even he was like, "Maybe we need to roll up the windows and lock the doors around here." The place is VERY strange. It has this weird, like, gay subculture yet it's totally backwoods and dirty. The kids were all out riding bikes and hanging out on the corners and stuff, which is pretty normal in small towns where there's no mall or main strip in which to hang out. But when you drove closer, the kids were all totally dirty and, like, eating ribs or some shit. They were like the little version of gutterpunks you see in the city. Remember back in high school when we always saw the dirty punk kids who hung out in 7-11 parking lots and whatnot (and we were friends with like half of them)? These kids reminded me of them, but they weren't homeless. And the houses! Oh my god, the houses. Well, our last night there involved a BBQ at the property owners' main home (they own three places up there, as well as a place here in the city....fucking rich gays). That house was totally adorable with great landscaping and even their own vineyard (although their interior design was...not my taste). But about 90% of the homes there looked like they were built by 10 year olds. It was like driving through a South African township or something, with all the homes having metal sheets leaning together to form the walls and rickety old steps leading to the door. The scariest, though, were the adults. First off, I have never seen so many damned hitchhikers. Did you even know that people still hitched rides? There ere all these creepy old guys standing with their thumbs up on the highway. The women took the cake. They were all so in desperate need of some leave-in conditioner, I couldn't believe my eyes. You know, I know I'm a city brat, but it's not like I think everyone should be all urban-chic or something. Lord knows I'm not. But it's like these people had no concept of popular culture or TV or magazines or anything to help guide them. It was a town of befores. It was so...rustic, but not in a sort-of-charming farm community kind of way. Like, I expect farmers to be dirty because they are outside working their asses off all day. These people were just dirty because they were dirty.

Anyway...the shoot sucked, of course. I know we had a small amount of communication while I was up there, so you got the fact that I was hating it, but it just kept getting worse. The filming started at 8am every day, went for about 6 hours, then some B-Roll stuff, then setting up for the next scene, then dinner (which always sucked except for the BBQ), then shooting again starting at 8pm (and going till midnight or 1). Then repeat. The first day (or was it the second?), no one bothered to buy lunch for any of the models or the crew. I mean...come on.

Yesterday was awful. I felt so badly for Shawn, who was holding the camera while the fucking director stood PRESSED AGAINST HIM, staring into the tiny video camera screen instead of using a fucking monitor like usual. Like, seriously, he was trying to blend into Shawn or something. Breathing down his neck and shit. And it was while filming a solo, so it's not like there as any direction needed. He also talked the ENTIRE time to the model, telling him EXACTLY what to do. It was so awful. I mean, it's some dude jerking off. How complicated does it need to be made? I saw Shawn start to shake. I totally thought he was going to punch the director. Then today the shoot was supposed to start at 8 so we could jet out early. It got pushed to 10, which of course got pushed again, and we didn't leave until after 4. We literally had everything packed up before shooting even started. Everyone was just standing around waiting for them to finish so we could pack the remaining lights and whatnot. I kind of felt bad for the actors because we did not try to disguise the fact that we were growing impatient with the whole situation. But one actor was/is a complete douche, so I didn't feel too badly.

Speaking of actors...one of them was sleeping with The Boss the last two days we were there. Um, we give the actors/models/hookers all these speeches about how they shouldn't be fucking around with each other and stuff during the shoot while off camera and then my fucking boss goes and hooks up with one of them. A not-so-cute one, I might add. Just yet another shady piece of evidence telling me I really shouldn't be in the business. I can't believe I've been doing this shit for so long.

I have more to tell you about my crappy diet while I was there, but it's almost midnight and I'm exhausted. I have to go in tomorrow and continue to work non-stop for them, so I should go to bed. I will tell you that I went through TWO of those big family-sized bags of peanut M&Ms while I was there (which is funny considering that the earlier email thread mentioned that peanut M&Ms were my downfall). I feel gross right now but I totally want to run out and buy some Oreos. Why are those my other downfall?

Oh, jesus, this Britney album is painful.