Me to Him:
im serious. there is something wrong. i have never felt so compelled to take the large cardboard sunshine-blocking board from the window, lay it against my desk, and take a nap underneath my desk.
i am SO tired. i just asked erica for work and she gave it to me, and im literally falling asleep at my desk. the boss has been in meetings all day. i need to sleep, but i have no idea where i can go. shouldnt they have a sleeping lounge or something in this office? i swear to you, i'll own my own business one day and have plush couches so that my employees have the option to sleep at lunchtime. and beds.
like my old company. i loved the fact that i could grab pillows, heating pads, sheets, and blankets while i was there and snooze on a bed. im not kidding. thats what i need. i need to see this new phone you're talking about, but i am so sleepy that i dont even want to surf the net. i could get away with sleeping at my desk right now, but i need something that'll keep me awake.
WOW! $600 for a phone! why couldnt we be like the guys who made google, or apple? if that was me, i would have retired about 10 years ago and been living in my beach house in maui with a ton of sun damage, with you photographing me from your beach house next door.
i think we are smart enough to start the next best thing. think of it while im napping.
Him to me:
http://www.apple.com/iphone/
You need to get up and walk outside for two minutes. It will wake your ass up for a minute. Any time I get sleepy here I run outside and walk around for a couple minutes until blood is circulating again. trust me.
** just came up here and stole my space heater because he said it was his. I didn't take it from his desk, that asshole. I was like, "But it's so cold up here!" His response was "I have to sell porno so you can keep getting paid." I was like, bitch, you wouldn't have anything to sell if it wasn't for me. I hate him.
Me to him:
but it takes so long to go downstairs on the elevator? i have a blankie covering my legs and im just about to doze. food, or sleep?
Him to me:
I have a blankie on my legs too. I just went downstairs and saw the evil shipping guy standing in the back with the garage door wide open, wearing shorts and a fucking tank top, and using a space heater. I'm stealing that shit when he goes to lunch. That bitch.
Go get food. It'll make you be awake for a bit longer.
Me to him:
ahh, im back from lunch. i ate a turkey (i am SO smart to eat food that makes me tired) avocado sandwich and some clam chowder, and now im finishing a coke. im more awake, but its still only 1 pm and i have many more hours to go.
the boss is in a meeting at 1, so i was thinking of going outside and meandering around the city. oh. and i found out that the boss is 27. i feel like a dumbass, but thats okay. i must have told her 400 times that i wanted to start LOW.
ugh. i would have liked just going under my desk during lunch. i hear its going to be freezing this week. i dont have any warm skirts to wear (do they exist?), so i was thinking of wearing jeans all week long, even though its against our policy.
is it really not 5 pm yet? do you want to come here and do my work when you get off at 3 and then i can go to your house and sleep and watch tv?
im sorry you're cold. i would walk over there to give you my pink blankie, but my fat ass can hardly move from this chair.
Him to me:
Mmmm...** and I are ghetto and we ate Subway. But the best part was when we were waiting in line and this homeless dude came in and started getting in people's business. The guy behind the counter came running around from the back with a BASEBALL BAT and kicked the fucking guy. Hahahahaha.
We took our food and ran.
I can't believe you ate turkey. I've learned that lesson too many times.
******
On another day...
Him to me:
I've been wearing my big-ass headphones all day. But it seriously sounds like the building is falling in on me with everyone yelling and stomping around above me and the printer being all loud. I keep wanting to get noise-cancelling headphones but then no one would be able to ask me questions and I'd get in trouble.
OMG, here's my embarrassing story of the day. Remember when I said my underwear was too tight the other day so I had to take them off? Why do I have this big old cut right where the fabric rubs against the crease between the leg and the pelvis. Ew. Obese for life! It hurts.
Me to him:
oh god. is it only 3.34 pm? are you kidding me? ive been tasked to put together a pricing SPREADSHEET. the thing is, im so bad with spreadsheet esthetics that mine is going to be all ugly and everyone else's will be all nice and complex looking.
you should see my draft of it now. its really shameful. go home. you are entitled to that lunch. you should have taken an hour!
speaking of which, on the day that i bring my home made mac and cheese, i'll meet you for lunch so i can give a tub of it to you.
go home. i wish i lived at your house.
That's all for now. I bet that you're just getting back from your trip, tired as all hell, and the last thing you want to do is read. But you have to admit that it's the best reading you'll read in your lifetime.
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