Sazon.

Hi hi,

Right about now, you're at a show with that doctor guy. I hope you're having fun. My ass is at home, dreaming about the Kiehl's Limited Edition Cranberry Hand and Body Lotion. I'm not kidding. I came home, at Chipotle, made some mini chocolate chip cookies, did some laundry, paid my allergist bill, and then sat down here and decided to blog to you because I really, really want that lotion. And you're the only person who can understand my unhealthy fascination with all things cranberry. Guess what? We finally turned on the heat for the first time today.

Remember how I was telling you that the dog we're watching is really mellow and just lays down all day? Well, after we turned on the heat, the dog just started acting like a real dog. She was full of energy, eating, running around, and being excited. We think that we kept the house too cold, and she just didn't want to get up.

Do you find that when you know you don't have to work the next day you feel like you have a lot more energy? Every single day this week, I've come home and just wanted to go to sleep. Since I know that tomorrow is a Saturday, I have much more energy.

I'm even doing laundry. And running the dishwasher. And making cookies.
Speaking of cookies, I wonder if my company will let me off on Christmas Eve? If they won't, then how the hell are we going to do our traditional Christmas Eve dinner and last minute shopping around the city? Actually, we're not doing any shopping this Christmas. Our gift is going to be a sectional for our living room.

All of a sudden, I'm feeling really dizzy and sick. I think I'm going to pump some Emergen-C into my system now. Let me know how that Sazon works out for you.

I'm a fan.

Waiting....

I'm at home waiting for the cable guy to show up. I came home at 11:30 this morning and now it's 2:15. I did laundry. I am DREADING my tax appointment at 4. Shivers.

You bought me something on ebay? I have no idea either. What surprises do you have in store for me? I will try my hardest to remember porn for your friend. It's tough to nab stuff when everyone's around. I think I'm skipping TV night with the girls tonight, so hopefully I'll get some sleep and actually make it into work early tomorrow so I can shoplift DVDs. Actually, I shouldn't try to be so shady about it. I think I'm one of the few there who never takes movies or gives them to people. I need to get my hands on the new one so we can watch me in the behind the scenes feature. Bwahaha!

I am afraid of your new obsession with AZNTV. Soon you'll be one of those women on the bus who talk really loudly in a language I don't understand while carrying little pink bags from Chinatown. Be careful.

I was going to tell you a story, but I can't remember now. I didn't do a damned thing at work this morning, so I have no new bits of drama.

Oh, question. Since I'm trying to pay off debt, do you think I should continue to pay extra on all my cards, or should I pay a LOT more on the one evil card and deal with the other two once the big one is empty? Your thoughts?

My New Obsession. You'll Hate This.

I KNEW there was some drama happening at your job! It's just been so long since I've heard anything. I knew it was brewing. While you're at work freezing, I'm having a menopausal meltdown at my job. One minute I'm hot, the other minute I'm freezing and putting the layers back on.

I have so much work to do, by the way. And what makes me mad is that it's all work that the Boss doesn't feel like doing. This means that I get all of the shit work. You know how much I hate spreadsheets. My new role means more and more and more spreadsheets. I hate them.

So my new obsession is this show on AZNTV called "Coconut Coast." It's this really flamboyant guy named Reza Mahammad who is cooking all kinds of yummy Indian-inspired food, and the excitement is his personality. I have him recorded on DVR, just so you can come to my house and watch it. Better yet, set your DVR to record the show. You MUST watch it.






Speaking of your DVR, I hope it gets fixed. And your DVD player. And your Mac. And your taxes. And your student loans. And your printer. Speaking of stuff, your thing from ebay just shipped. I got an email today. It was so long ago that I don't even remember what it was that I bought for you. In any case, it's on its way.

I am so tired that I think that I might be coming down with the flu. I hope I am, really. This dog is making me sick, too. I sit and sneeze all day long. And it acts like a cat. And I love me some animals, but I think this one is depressed. She just sits and stares. She doesn't even get excited over me coming home. Who doesn't get excited when I come home? Crazy ass mutt.

So that's all for now. I can't wait for lunch on Friday. Bring the porn so that I can send it to my friend Eddie. I'll bring the goods I promised you. I can't remember what they are, so remind me.

Random Monday Rant

So. Here are two minor, but still offensive, stories that happened in my office today.

First, you know that I'm the second person in my office every day, after the shipping guy who comes in before 7. So I get to work a little after 7 and go to my floor, where I'm the only one for about 2 hours (you know I love that). This morning was particularly chilly (by my LA standard, at least) and I was wearing a long sleeve shirt, a vest, and the scarf you bought me so I could dress up like a terrorist. We have a freight elevator in my building that opens at the end of my floor, about 25 feet from my desk. When the doors are open and it's cold outside, we get this freezing breeze from the elevator shaft that rolls through our floor. The thing is, I'm the only one it hits. So I sit at my desk with a numb arm and hand, shaking, all day long. Since I'm the first one in and it's colder in the morning, I closed the doors in order to block the wind chill factor. And since it's the art department, you know it's really dark as it is, but with the doors shut it's pitch black. What do I care, as long as I'm not cold, right?

So the Boss comes in two hours later and sees the doors closed. He goes, "God it is SO DARK in here. It's ridiculous! Do you mind if I open the doors or are you going to burst into flames?" Like an asshole. So I say, "I don't mind the light at all, but when the doors are open, I freeze from the breeze." So he stands there for a second, decides HE doesn't feel a breeze, and opens the doors and walks away. Excuse me? I know it's dark, but his desk is allll the way on the other side of the office (where there are overhead lights), and on the opposite wall from the elevator opening. He's an ass. So I had to freeze all day, until I went outside for lunch and sweat through my clothes.

The second story...I hate this model. A lot. Actually, pretty much everyone hates this model in the office. He is the butt of most of our jokes. I think I read some passive-aggressive web text to you once where the writer was totally going after this model and it was hilarious. Anyway, the main part of my job is photo editing. I am responsible for picking the layouts that go on our site and to magazines and on boxes and whatnot. So this model, who thinks he's is the biggest thing porn has ever seen (even though he's as tall as you), recently signed a contract with us. Not only are we stuck with him, he is going to start producing his own films. Because of that, he thinks he is now PART of OUR company. Like he's a partner. I swear to god, if he becomes a partner, I'm walking. So anyway, since he's joined us, he's made all kinds of little diva demands and the latest seems to be that HE is picking the pictures of himself that we are allowed to use. Can you BELIEVE that? Like, he went to the Boss and asked to see (and HAVE) his full layouts that we shot a few months ago and he sent a list back saying which ones to use and for what. Like, use #whatever for my main shot, and #whatever for this ad and shit. So today I went through his stuff and did my normal edit for the member site (which is way bigger than what he picked) and I didn't even end up PICKING the ones he liked. He has no objectivity on the images because he's in them. Just because he likes an image does NOT mean he looks cute in it. And trust me, he didn't. But the fact that the Boss is allowing this REALLY pisses me off. When he told me about it last week, even Coop looked up from her desk and was like, "What the hell is HE picking his own shit for anyway??" and the Boss just walked away. Nice, right? Way to compromise my place in the company, asshole.

That's all. Carry on.

OOOOoooooooooooHHHHH!

WOW! We both had breaking news from our jobs today. Too bad I can't post mine here. I KNEW something would happen if the husband found out about the affair with the porno model. I love it. I anticipated coming home and cooking immediately, but I realized that I was suffocating from strange fumes from the oven when I was preheating it, and then remembered that I had seasoned two woks when my mom was here, and it dripped all over the bottom of the oven and I have to clean it up before cooking toxic gingerbread for Thanksgiving dinner.

I am so excited for you guys to come to my place. It's like 70 degrees outside. I just walked home and almost died from the heat. I wish we had a nice cold Thanksgiving like back in the east. I hope you've gotten home. Call me so that you can give me the other breaking news you wanted to share when I was passing out from the stench of the train this afternoon.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

I know I've neglected our blog, and really disappointed our legions of fans, but I finally have something to write about.

I think, THINK, the Boss and his husband have split up. Insane! There was a secret meeting between the Boss and the Big Boss today, and they did it at the Big Boss's house instead of the office, so it was all weird and sneaky. It could have been about the amount or the lack our of holiday bonuses for all we knew. But then Coop IMed me and said she heard the Bitch on the phone earlier with the Boss saying, "I'm sorry it turned out that way." And then when the Boss came into work (at 2:30pm), the Bitch was on the phone with someone and when the Boss walked by, the Bitch said into the phone, "I'm sorry, but you're BREAKING UP...I can't hear you" all loud and trying to be funny or something. And the Boss had asked me to do a shoot last Saturday because he had to go to "couples counseling." I wanna know what's going on. The meeting could have been about how he needed more money to make his mortgage payments because he was too busy fucking one of our models to handle his marriage and now HE's the one getting fucked.

Such drama. I feel bad for him. But then again...

Military Scarves for Everyone!

Since this is now my own little blog to you, I decided to out you. I have to show everyone what you got, and what you wore home from my job.





I wish this photo would show how it can wrap around your head, but I guess it's not the right one. OH! Here's the right one:





Now that I've seen it on you, I think I have seen it around this city. How exciting! I've been on the fingerless glove trend for years now, and it's catching on fast.
Do you know that since we had daylight savings, I am even more exhausted when I come home from work? I have a whole lot of energy when I get to work, and then by the time it's time to leave, I just want to die. I even fell asleep on the train on the way home today.

Okay, so I'm going on a tangent already, which means that it's time to watch some DVR'd Prison Breaks now. I wanted to add some color to our site. I'm glad you like your shemaghs. Is that a plural word? I expect to see you wearing that every single time I see you from now on. And hello? My friends want some gay porn. Hook a sister up.

The Lady Who Smelled Like Ikea.

Good Morning.
So I had written this blog this morning when I came in, but the system at work was screwed up, so I lost the whole thing. And now the excitement over what I was feeling when I came in this morning is gone. But I'll tell you anyway. I got on the train this morning, and normally, someone who has bad breath, body odor, ethnic food scents, or cigarette smells comes to sit beside me. Get this. This morning, someone got on the train and sat next to me and she smelled like IKEA! I mean, I could hardly contain my excitement! I LOVE the way Ikea smells. It's like cinnamon buns and Swedish meatballs, all in one. I was so euphoric on my way into the office. I just had to share.

Now that I'm here, I'm completely unmotivated. Trying to get the company from a million dollar company to a billion dollar company apparently takes a shitload of work. And, have I told you that lately there is a large exodus of people leaving the company for other opportunities? We must not be as great as we think. We suck.

I just ran over to the bank to deposit this very small amount of money into my account since I have $50 left over. I have to get back to looking at my spreadsheets. God, I hate numbers and spreadsheets. I'm in the wrong business, for sure.

She Slipped Up on Daylight.

Hi! I know you're being a hermit this weekend since it's one of your few days off, so I didn't call you. Instead, I'm getting my place ready for Mom's visit next week. I'm so excited, yet so flustered because I realize that I have a ton of work to get done this week because I won't be in the entire time Mom is here. Yippeeee!

So this weekend has been really productive. Seriously. I bought the cutest fingerless gloves (you know I have about 40 pairs of these- I'm completely obsessed) from World Market, along with a bunch of cute little notecards. I'm sick and tired of spending so much money on expensive Thank You cards. I found these for cheap. We also looked around for some furniture for my other bedroom. Not furniture to live on, but furniture to store all of my products. We were too cheap to buy real furniture (we're really trying to buy a house. Maybe 30 years from now), so we got a storage thing/cart for my product, and I love it. It's on wheels. We came back and cleaned the house a bit, and did some rearranging. I'm secretly in the mood for some boba, but I don't know where the hell to go without having to drive. I'm making candied chicken tonight for dinner. Have I made it for you?

When I started writing a minute ago, I thought I would have a lot to say, but I don't. So I'm going to stop. I totally don't want to break down next week like I did this past week, so I'm hoping that nobody sets me off. I need a fucking promotion. How can anyone live in California and afford a $4 loaf of bread on these salaries?

Red-Headed Stepchild.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to neglect our baby over here on blogger. I just haven't had anything interesting to share. And when i do, it's so damned busy over here that I can't take the time to write about it.

It's just the same old bullshit here in my office. People being extremely loud and rude, me buried under projects, people losing their minds. It's actually calmed down a little bit, but I still have a thousand things going at once.

So last night, for my other job, I decided to wear those wingtips I bought months ago. For the first time. I got like two blocks from my house and was in unbelievable pain. Like, I could barely walk. But I didn't have time to turn around and change. Amy, it was so bad. By the time I wobbled home, ALL of the skin had been ripped from the tops of BOTH of my pinky toes. They are RAW and exposed. I have them each double-bandaged today. So OW. I didn't think about wearing them in. But now that I had that much pain, I don't know if i can ever put them on again.

Oh, also, I was reminded last night after I got there that it was a special event night, so I had to stay later than normal. My day was 15 hours long. I was pissed. I went home and watched my DVRed Survivor and Ugly Betty. So it was closer to a 17 hour day. I didn't get to Grey's yet. I think I've given up on that show now. It's totally gone off in some retarded direction and I can't hang. But Betty is still good. Did you watch last night? "What do we want?!" "Integrated chocolates!!" "When do we want them?" "NOW!!" I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Thank you for sharing your Halloween office party pics with me. You are correct. I do hate Halloween, especially in this city. People don't know how to act. I went almost the whole day and night with forgetting it was even Halloween. Except Coop was wearing cat ears at work, which is something she would totally do, so I didn't even really notice.

I hate astrologyzone now. Why does she have to confuse me so?

My Blog.

Hello Buck? Where the hell are you? You've e-mailed me and I've talked to you today. Did you forget about our little stepchild blog site?

I had the most fucked up day today. I was in a bad mood to start, and then when I got to work, I immediately started getting my shit together and actually had a long-term assignment to work toward. But then, as you know, my ass had to go to the Social Security office, and then the afternoon was shot. Who knew that at 11 in the morning, vagrants would be lined up there, demanding money?

Then, I meant to tell you. Since we're doing a mass restructuring (we're trying to become a billion dollar company or something), we had to meet with the new leader today to discuss our "new" roles. Of course I thought this meant that I would get my promotion and be happy, just like the lady on astrologyzone said. That wasn't the case. I mean, I love the new leader and everything, but he was telling us that he was going to bring all of these other people in, and it really sounded like I wasn't going anywhere. I really think he's an MBA snob, just like the HR people are in my company. I mean, it's actually pretty disgusting, if you think about it. I have a higher education- it's just not in business. It's more useful than being in Business Administration. Granted, when the Boss asks me for gross margins, I have no fucking idea what she's talking about, but I really think that people who have their MBAs are always saying shit and asking questions to executives that they got straight from their textbooks and lectures. No kidding. I'm going to go and buy the most used MBA textbook from Harvard's Book Exchange, and I'll be able to schmooze like the best of them.

I was in such a foul mood today that I scared the entire team. And, for good measure, I walked out when the day was done and didn't say goodbye to any of them. Working around a bunch of women everyday is not uplifting at all, just in case you want to know. I wish I could post the picture of the Halloween party we had yesterday. But then I would really lose my job.

Did I tell you how wasteful my company is? Let me let you in on a little secret. Since it's a "trend," the PR Department was talking about doing something "green" so that we could jump on the bandwagon of Ralph Lauren and some other giant fashion or beauty company. Meanwhile, we have the most packaging, ever. It's like 500 layers of packaging and plastic. And, you'd be glad to know that our office is SO wasteful. We have styrofoam cups (big boxes of them) that we use everyday. People don't use mugs. We have one recycling bin that people use as a trash can, and people make color copies every single day. You should see the copy room. There's paper everywhere. People forget that they copied shit, or printed stuff out. Literally, there is so much paper all over the desks and what not that we would be named the biggest liars if someone was to do an undercover check on our level of greenness. I'm ashamed to be a part of such a company, but look out! If in the next month you see us doing a big promo and pretending to be eco-friendly, you know who told you it was a lie. A HUGE lie! We waste paper! We use styrofoam! We don't recycle! We have lots of trash and plastic packaging. Sometimes we even use tissue paper in our packaging! And, I've seen people using aerosol hair spray in the bathroom.

And, most importantly, know that our company's philosophy was never anything about being environmentally-friendly. We just decided to do that in our last meeting. Look out, world! God- I wish I could tell everyone which company I worked for. It would be SHOCKING!